Implosion

Unbearable, the shame I feel. A crack in the foundation of my perspective discovered,
where through I see that redemption
is nearly impossible at this distance with a cold barrier.

Here I fear that an end is near, where I should starve
and wither behind walls of pessimism and choke on the fumes of self-intolerance.
I take no pity as I avoid the little light flooding through those cracks.

The sun is setting as it seems consumed by clouds of another storm.
Tomorrow is another day that I fear I may not make it to,
as I sit and wait in a room of cracked, cold stone...alone with my thoughts.

It is but the best choice of action at this time...
I await the rescue of what I thought was fixed by love...
that love is tested, in this test that I have so long dreaded.

And here at the crossroads are my choices doubled in their weight
on my shoulders. Each road is cloaked in
a haze deemed only as a phase that could be.

Do I never recall breaking away from the boundaries of my prison?
Or is that haze born from a source in my tainted perspective?
Am I selfish to be so concerned?

I have lost the hand I once held it seems,
as I am blind to my blessings while surrounded by curses.
Forgive my ungrateful sights, oh Lord, I mean no malice.

This psalm calls to you, long past where in time
I should have screamed your name long ago in fertile fields of my conscience...
in hopes and faith are you called now.

I never abandoned your given road to me, but I know not whether
I am lost or in the midst of a mist of a test...
breathing in tiny droplets of water until I choke or drown.

I cannot rest as much keeps my eyes open like forced clockwork,
and waking up becomes its own chore to taunt my pessimism...
I only pray for that joy to return.

I fell in love with high hopes,
dreaming that we would conquer any and all tests,
yet those tests now torture us
by the passing of each second.

Now I'm here, blind and oh so aware to the Hell through which I tread.
My heart breaks, sinking beneath pitiful
attempts to salvage what I can.

In vain are the varied efforts that are made,
caught between confusion and guilt, in the aftermath of my failure...
no apology can be enough.

God, I am begging you, a way clear from this...
back to serenity, where my only worries were of time and distance...
yet to a changed way that never again allows this.

Break me down and make me anew, without the loss of this love I hold so dear.
Strengthen me with understanding and patience,
as so to regain lost confidence.

Make us stronger in our bond, to stand fast in the midst of adversity.
Never severe this bond and only allow
its constant growth forevermore.

As here at the crossroads, my burdens are doubled in
their weight upon my shoulders...holding back whatever
progress I could possibly make...

I need you, my Lord, now more than ever.
By assistance and blessing in any form...
save what I have fought so passionately...
lest I drown in my own misery.

As I've only been a bystander, the provider of moral support,
yet does it seem as I've only been wanted when needed...
am I really the villain of this scenario?

My being drowns, and only finds the strength to come for air
ever so often for mere seconds...and here in reality,
the haze of the crossroads chokes my soul...

Strangling me as I drown, while my disorientation
flourishes in a chaotic environment. I know not what to do,
as fear and suffering consume me from within.

Words can be the greatest of choice weapons...
yet it is the act of proving them that gives them their edge...
I know not what action to take, as my sanity flees from me.